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Ch-ch-ch-Chia! December 9, 2007

Posted by emsgeiss in Humor & Satire, Uncategorized.
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This is one of my all-time favorite posts, so I’ve made it sticky just in time for the holiday season. 
(You’re welcome.)
-E (12.13.12)


ramchia.jpg

It’s Christmastime again
and the Chia Pet commercials are everywhere.

Apparently, Chia Pets don’t seem to sell at any other time of the year. I’m thinking that they might make a great gift for the White Elephant party that my husband and I have been invited to, where you have to bring a tacky gift, instead of a “real” gift, but we’re still on the fence about that one. 

The concept of actually buying a Chia Pet made me think, and I realized that I don’t believe I know anyone who really has one, despite the fact that you can get them at CVS, Walmart, K-mart and other fine stores. 

This of course led me down another path of bizarre logic. Since their “watch it grow” inception in the ’70s, we’ve had the Original Chia Pet, Chia Daffy, Chia Buggs, the Chia Head and many other Chia charaters. There’s now even Chia Cat Nip, so your furry friend can get in on the Chia action.  But what about the Chias that never made it to market? Here are a few, and warning, these are not for the easily offended.

Not Seen on TV (or anywhere else) Presenting the:

  • Chia Lawn—Imagine just a flat Chia plane with a little house and two-car garage perched upon it. This is for the guys who just can’t get enough of mowing the lawn and are suffering from withdrawal during the winter. Fill the holes with the alfalfa goo, let grow and mow. Comes with bonus packs of goo for weeks and weeks of mowing and a teeny tiny lawn mower. (Some assembly required.)  Comes in three sizes: small with an old-fashioned hand-pushed manual lawn mower; medium with a battery-operated electric lawn mower (three AAA batteries not included); and super-sized with a radio-controlled ride-on lawn mower and little figurine to ride the mower.
  • Chia Jazz Dude—For the minimalist, this Chia head sports only a soul patch, for all the groovy cats in the joint.

But wait, they get worse…

  • Chia Hippie Chick—Going beyond the traditional Chia head and body concept, this Chia is of a girl (or woman, if you prefer), but the holes where you spread the alfalfa sprout goo are on her legs and under her arms. You can shave her or not once the “hair” has fully come in, but once it does, to preserve the true feeling, it’s best to let nature take over and see if you can let the sprouts reach their maximum length.  (Optional teeny tiny disposable razor availble at additional cost.)
  • Chia Old Man—Bald, bald, bald, bald as a ping-pong ball, this Chia seems counterintuitive until you realize that the alfalfa goo goes on the eyebrow ridges, in the nostrils and in the ears, but only on that little part that sticks out (the pinna).

…and worse, so hold on to your hats.

  • Brazillian Wax Chia—another interractive Chia for the sickly twisted, or aestheticians who need more practice, this anatomically correct Chia from the navel to the thighs only sports growing holes along the tush, “taint” (or perineum, for those that prefer correct terms) and pudenda. Fill with the alfalfa goo, let grow into a snatchsquatch and then have your fun (on the Chia) with the bonus Brazilian wax pack.  Also comes in the manscaping version. Teeny tiny razor optional accessory.
  • 40-Year-Old-Virgin Chia—also interactive (and no, it’s not what you think) this Chia is just a torso. Kind of like the BWC (above) you can grow chest and back hair on this little dude and then wax away! It also comes with a fun bonus Brazilian wax pack.  

And that’s the path that my twisted little mind took me down today…I think I’ll stop before it really gets bawdy.

Copyright © 2007 Erika-Marie S. Geiss

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Comments

1. indianamatt - December 9, 2007

lol…love it. Chia can’t hold water compared to the Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots. My favorite part of the blog is that you believe you stopped BEFORE you got really bawdy! (if there is a link to the bawdier version, let me in). Mind if I list your blog as a link on my page?

2. Virginia Lee - December 9, 2007

roflmao!

Brazilian wax chia… EGAD!

When I lived in the boonies of north Mississippi I used to see Chia pets in the back of the discount store on the square of that teeny-tiny town during the off-season.

Funny, funny post.

3. emsgeiss - December 9, 2007

I’m glad that I could provide some holiday cheer. 🙂
Link away, link away. 😉
I haven’t come up with a bawdier version…yet…but I’m sure that once the little guy is off to bed and I have a drink or two, one just might appear. But, I make no promises on that.

4. MRasey - December 9, 2007

Oh that’s cute. The Smithsonian ran an article about chia pets–did you know they are one of the top selling thingamabobs at Xmas? I didn’t. I’ve never even received one. But apparently they sell them by the truckload.

If you have the time and energy, you’ve got the makings of a good essay here. Maybe check out the article and combine the history with your chia pets? I bet you could place it somewhere.

M

5. emsgeiss - December 9, 2007

M, what a great idea. The *Smithsonian* ran an article about *Chia Pets*? That in itself is worth an article…things you’d never think you’d see in the Smithsonian. I just may consider an article, the question is, who’d buy such an irreverant piece?

6. Michele - December 9, 2007

Thanks for the walk down Chia Lane 😉 lol! This was really a hoot!

Smiles,
Michele
Writing the Cyber Highway
http://writingthecyberhighway.blogspot.com/

7. Dawn - December 9, 2007

ROFLMAO!!! This is definitely a side to you I’ve never witnessed! I love it! Especially the Brazillian wax Chia.

8. Soccer Mom - December 10, 2007

How about a Midlife Crisis Man Chia? (AKA the Chia Club for men)You spread the mix on his head, but it only seeds in wide spaced clumps.

9. Melaniehoo - December 11, 2007

LMAO!

Oddly, I haven’t seen many Chia Pets down here in Mexico. I figured they’d be all over something that grows – we don’t get much rain in the winter.


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